Why it doesn't work out?

I think about this question after every relationship that goes down the drain.
And for each experience the answer would be different and ambiguous, so much so that I was resolute for a while that no 2 relationships are the same and thus nothing can be learned. I can avoid the previous mistakes but will most likely fall into new ones later. So all I could do was unwrap each candy bar I came across until Charlie finds the "golden ticket" or get exhausted and settle down with whatever I had.

But I realize now that I've been looking in all the wrong places. Finding what makes relationships fall apart is difficult, but finding what it takes to keep it alive is more straightforward!

I think I can narrow it down to 3 things, in no particular order:

1) Love. You have to love the person you are with. No, not duh. Love is a very grey term. Hate is a very clear and simple emotion. If I tell you I hate something, whether it's Indian food, humid weather or human vanity, you instantly understand how I feel. I don't like it. Simple. But love? We use that term so loosely these days it has no value anymore. Love can span a spectrum from casual preference to obsession. It can mask affection, admiration, longing, lust. You can love a friend, a brother, a car, a song, a pet, a partner, a country - each in a different way and with a different intensity. Hate is what you find objectionable. Love is so much more. So it's not enough to simply have love. It has to be the kind of selfless, "you-complete-me" kind of love.

2) Compatibility. Love does not cover this. You can be in love with someone you have very little in common with. You don't have to be identical but you must share something fundamental on the important levels. Namely morals, life pleasures and future outlook.

3) Circumstance. Which includes everything from your first introduction to where you're situated in your respective lives. Long-distance relationships fall under poor circumstance.

If you have these 3 things going for you, great. Your relationship will most likely survive most hiccups and you'll live happily ever after till death do you part yada yada yada.

But what if you don't? Well it depends on the couple of course but I think that if you're only missing one of these 3 elements then the relationship can probably be salvaged given your commitment to make it work. Circumstance is usually the easiest to adjust. Example: You love her and you get along great but she's a world away, you can try and move closer. But if you've only got one of these things going for you... you are fighting an uphill battle that will sap your will and give you nil. Part ways amicably and move on. Drop that life raft and abandon ship. You never know who you may meet on a life raft and life-or-death situations create instant bonding. But that's another discussion.

Phew. Take that Dr. Phill.