Monday, September 20, 2004

In this day and age...

Growing up in the last millennium, the future always held so much promise. Pop culture conjured up images of flying cars, instant meals and robots walking the dog. Now the year 2000 has come and gone and we obviously have none of these things. Yet it's ok, because we have other 'miracles' like mobile phones, the Internet, and Britney Spears.

But there are things I just cannot believe have refused to change in this day and age...

  • Toilet paper: We can cure cancer and switch genitals but when we go to the bathroom we are totally dependent on a roll of dead tree pulp. There is nothing more satisfying than a fresh roll of 3-ply dimpled tissue, and there is nothing that strikes fear into our hearts more than reaching out for paper and finding a limp cardboard tube.
  • Tires: Some of us drive around in amazing marvels of engineering that have more computing power than the Saturn rockets that took us to the moon, but we can only move around if we have rubber tubes filled with air. You could be driving a Kia or a Ferrari it doesn't matter. If the air is out, you're going to have to get on your knees in the middle of the road and start using tools you've never seen before in your life. Grease marks and muddy clothes are inevitable.
  • Toothbrushes: You want to keep your teeth from falling out? You have to put this paste on that thing with bristles and start brushing like there's no tomorrow. You have to do this at least twice a day. That's the basic package. You want your teeth to really last? Run a piece of string and pull it back and forth while pieces of white gunk start to fly in every direction. Still can't get that popcorn kernel from behind your molar? Here, use this stick and poke it out.
  • Signatures: We need to swipe a card to enter boardrooms, we get our fingerprints and irises scanned to get a driver's license. You want to withdraw a million dollars from a bank account? Just draw a squiggle over the line on the bottom. That's it. When you're 18, you HAVE to have your own unique squiggle. It has to be so complex that no human can ever draw something like it and must be perfectly reproducible. No matter if the account is for an 80-year old woman and you're a 23-year old punk. The squiggles match! You MUST be her.


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